Love Life

Just surrender

You know you want to

Let go of all the

Fear that holds you

Back from life

From taking time

Christmas comes but once a year

Christmas is a wonderful time of year.  It is the time of year I eat whatever my heart desires, be it egg nog topped with whipped cream and about 10 maraschino cherries.  Healthy eating is overrated for at least 10 glorious days.   Visited my family in the bay area this year.  I was excited to see my little (actually, not so little anymore) doppleganger cousin.

We went to the Golden Gate bridge and later to the Fort Funston (which now now has full beach access).  I had visited this beach the week before and climbed up the stairs like some bat out of hell (at the time was thinking that a brisk walk up the stairs would be good for my muscles, help the tone and shape).  That combined with  walking up and down the hills really fast to my friend’s house the next day ended up giving me left anterior quadricep tendonitis, basically tendonitis of the knee.  Standing up or sitting down caused painful twinges in my knee thus forcing me to grip desks and chairs like an old lady for balance and weight transfer.  At work and home I was compelled to take the stairs one at a time and getting in and out of the car made me feel OLD.

This is usually the place where I say some niceties about the upcoming new year, “hope” and all the trimmings.  Not going to say that this year.  I do have hope but feel at times that I bank on it too much on it and forget to live in the present; letting my hope for an better future help me through a rough patch rather than dwelling and accepting what is.  I am choosing have absolutely not expectations and will take everything as it comes.

 

Christmas on Steroids

So on a whim I decided to go to Las Vegas for the weekend to visit my friend.  Best decision of the year.  By the time the trip rolled around I was ready for letting something loose. Big Time.  Usually this means more than my usual glass of wine with dinner and two, not one, creme brulees.  I was definitely ready for some fun.

I had a semi-early flight and my friend had to work so I had pretty much the whole day to play around the strip.  I ended up playing less than I wanted.  For some reason, probably because the last time I was there I was only 20, I thought things would be different.  Like, the whole of Las Vegas would be my oyster and I would be like Katy Perry in that one music video.  OK, maybe that is an exaggerated assumption.  But I did have the thought that I would just sit at the slot machines, sip my drink, and be satisfied.  Satisfaction eluded me, probably because I lost about 20$ in 5 minutes.  I did not feel adult at all, rather I felt kind of stupid at the waste money.  Anyways, so I just left; didn’t even cash out the $1.10 I won.  I spent the rest of the time shopping for my friends and enjoyed the views.

Later, we saw a play that literally blew me away.  It was so good that if I had just hopped on a plane back to SF, my trip would have been complete right then and there.  What was most amazing were the opening scenes.  It starts out at an auction where people are are bidding on an old music box.  An old man in a wheelchair wins the auction and begins to reminisce about the old days associated with this music box when the auctioneer abruptly informs him that it belonged to the PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.  And with a flash and boom the entire theater goes completely dark except for the bottom piece of a three tier chandelier lying on the stage, which lights up and start to hypnotically float and rotate toward us.  And by us, I literally mean the audience (my friend got us pretty sweet seats near the front).  The entire thing was rigged on ropes but it moved so smoothly you hardly noticed them.  The other two smaller pieces, attached to the wall, also start floating toward the center of the theater (right above the audience).  Eventually the three pieces were in the center and started to float and dance around each other until they fell into place to make one large chandelier and floated to the ceiling.  I could not believe something like this could just be done with ropes.  And the whole time the classic phantom theme song was playing so loud I could feel feel it thumping in my chest. Simply amazing. 

After the play we went to a club and had free entry, drinks, and dancing.  Yay for connections!  As tired as we were the next day, we tried to get into at least two brunch buffets but who would have thought everybody and their mother had the same idea.   Tip for all who visit Las Vegas: If you want to go to a buffet on a Saturday morning, get in line at 8am.  Otherwise, the only options left are small coffee shops.  After enjoying our coffee and brioche we went to a Christmas concert put on by the Las Vegas Philharmonic Symphony.  Simply amazing.  One of the phantom of the opera singers sang and it again, was simply amazing.  Did you hear that?  Have I said it enough?  Amazing.  What I liked about the concert was that they sang a couple of unusual songs like “Hard Candy Christmas” and even some Hannukah songs.  The Christmas songs were so moving I am not ashamed to admit I became teary eyed with an overwhelming sense of closeness, memories, future memories, family, and love.

Aaaaannnnndddd then we pigged ourselves out at the Cosmopolitan buffet and drinks at the Chandelier.  It was the perfect finish to an awesome weekend.

Catch as catch can…

Soooo it has been a pretty crazy couple of months.  Its about 10 pm on a monday night right before a work audit tomorrow and I just wanted to post a little something to update.

Things I have learned:

1)  It is possible to forget how to shop for groceries.  This is especially true when you are too busy to even cook your own meals.  Last week I found myself in need food at home, yet somehow wandering aimlessly through the meat section not able to really remember any other recipes that I cooked so long ago, back when my life was manageable.

2) I can throw a killer bridal shower party.  Here is the key: Have someone bring catering…

3) Having a difficult job can have its perks.  I interviewed for another job recently and they asked me “What was the hardest thing about your current job?”  Since my job has been nothing, if not, putting out one ‘fire’ after another, I was able to give a great answer that sounded both smart and genuine

4) Looking for a new roommate is another part-time job.  Its kind of getting down to the wire, but I am praying that we find someone before December 16th.

Marinating in Malcontent

8:25 on a Sunday night.  Post-dinner coma.  Listening to a little music to unwind.  Picking up wadded Kleenexes off the floor like some hopeless romcom addict. Those things multiply like rabbits.  Actually not really.  It has been a long road but I am finally, finally cured of my sinusitis/rhinitis ailment.  This past month has been great, albeit really tiring.  Part of this being “tired” is my own fault.  The heart wants what the heart wants, and if it wants to watch another episode of the “Vampire Diaries” until 11 pm then that is what I will do.  At least that is what I was doing, but I am really going to set some boundaries now.  No more blood-sucking, pearl-clutching, soulful-emo-eye-gazing after 10pm.

I have been playing around with the idea of taking a fun class next semester.  You know, just for kicks.  I can take it as pass/no pass. No biggie.  The problem is deciding what class to take.  There are so many different, interesting subjects: psychology, geology, anthropology (not the store; even with its cute “ironic” clothes. I cant get past the ridic prices), astronomy, marine biology, history of Latin America, and so on and so forth.  I am grateful for this part of my life, although at times I feel certain things are lacking, I know that I am at least enjoying myself in the moment.

Have you ever thought about the people that you resent?   I was asked this past week to think of 5 people that I resent.  And, here’s the kicker.   Instead of marinating in the juices of malcontent, I would instead pray for them.  See that idiot that tries to make a U-turn in the middle of stop and go traffic near a busy intersection?  I will pray for him (assuming I do not get overwhelmed by feelings of vehicular injustice). This past week I prayed for those people on my list in bits and pieces when I actually remembered. Surprisingly, it helped a little which is pretty good, given I tend to prayer “skeptical.”  I have never been the type to pray for help in situations.  I probably might in dire situations, but usually when a situation comes up I am like, “Thanks God, but I got this…”  The problem with prayer skepticism is that it just leads to more prayer skepticism.  Because if I rarely give things up to Him in prayer, then I rarely see a chance for Him to work.  Which just leads to more skepticism reinforcement.  Praying for people I resent is also helping me learn to be able to forgive someone who either does not want to be forgiven, has no idea, or does not care.  It is so much easier to forgive someone when the other person validates your feelings. “Yes, I can see how those photos on FB hurt your feelings and I should not have posted them….” is easier to swallow and forgive, compared to “Get over it.”  Thats kind of an extreme example.  Usually its a bit more subtle for me.  So subtle, I probably spend half the time questioning myself.  Is it me? Is it something I am doing?  But the resentment is there, like a small pebble in my shoe, waiting to be taken out and given to that special someone I believe stuck it there.   The healthy thing is take it out, throw it away, learn the lesson, and move on.  If only it were that easy.  We are emotional creatures and it is our nature to hold on to hurts.  Its difficult, but since I know I am a sinful human who is imperfect at whatever I do,  I feel a sort of liberating inner peace about it.  Knowing that I tried to let go of my resentments is enough to sustain me.  It will take work, but I want to enjoy my life and not let every little indignation anchor me down.

They are called Loukamathes, not Latkis…..

Mmmm. I am sitting at my desk eating an Airhead candy strip while I write this post.  This could mean one of two things: 1) I am not retaining what I am currently learning in nutrition class or 2) I am retaining what I am learning but choosing to willfully ignore it.  I know one thing for sure. I am definitely rationalizing it because I was so good this week when it came to what I put in my body.  Not once did I go to McDonalds AND get a sausage egg sandwich for breakfast (I did go once this week but at the last minute decided to get an oatmeal and milk).  And I also had steamed asparagus with my lunch on Wednesday and plenty of fiborous lentil soup throughout the week. See how good I have been?

This year’s labor day weekend, I was up at my sister’s place which by any standard, no matter what time of day or night, is hotter than San Francisco.  I love San Francisco, in my own quirky, demented way, but one thing that is starting to grate is the weather.  And I actually don’t mind overcast days but there is nothing quite like exiting the UCSF parking garage and having a cold, gusty wind blow directly in your face. And while you wrestle with the wind over ownership of your jacket hood, you might notice the fog is so close to the you can actually see it moving along the ground by your feet.  Its days like these I wish I could teleport to Miami south beach, a margarita in one hand and mystery novel in the other.

Anyways, that is off topic and beside the point.  While in Sacramento, the family and I went to the annual Greek festival.  And let me tell you, in case you did not know already.  Greek food is delicious.  I had Tiropita (cheese stuffed filo dough), seasoned lamb, thick yogurt with honey, greek noodles (sauce was basically burned butter with feta), and loukoumades (deep fried dough balls, drenched in honey, cinnamon, and shaved nuts).  We were going to go for the fried kalamari as well, but thought that might be overkill. *snicker*

Shiny!

Sisters

School Greys

When driving back from class last Tuesday at about 10 pm, I felt the heavy realization of having to get up the next morning at 6:30 am (hey, to me, that is early).  These past two weeks could be summed up entirely by the phrase “mentally drained”  or maybe, to put it another way, “Mentally deranged.”   Which was how I felt at certain points, as I sat there in lecture, listening to words like “pubic symphsis” or “occipitalmastoid suture” spill out of the professor’s mouth as easily as if she listing her weekly grocery list.

What am I doing, going back to school?  Am I nuts?  What if I still don’t like this career path and it will be another dead end like my master’s degree?   I want to be a nurse.  Or do I? Actually, I truly won’t know unless I try.  I think about what it would be like to save someone’s life.  To lay healing hands on someone (and also deal with their s**t).  I know it is not pretty and I am working hard on making sure I do not glorify it in my head like its some job where I will breeze into the hospital and then breeze out at the end of the shift, no worse for wear.  I guess part of me worries that, as much as I would like to be a nurse, I will not be able to stand up to its physical stamina requirements and pressures.  Call it low self-confidence.  Call it anticipatory anxiety.  Call it whatever you like, but that is how I feel at times.  And I especially felt those feelings acutely these past two weeks.  In fact, today was the first day where I was able to get into the material and be able to tell myself, “yeah…. I can do this!”  Which is what motivated me to write this post.

This whole going back to school thing is a grey, uncertain area at the moment.   Some people like, and even thrive, in spontaneous situations.  I tend to be more of planner. I am like the person who plans out what classes they are going to take a year in advance to see when is the earliest possible graduation.  I like knowing where things are at the moment and where they are going.  Uncertainty does not usually sit that well with me BUT I have been working on it and see this as an opportunity to stretch my boundaries a little.  Take a ‘swim’ in that grey area and get used to the water.   So I don’t know if this will work out.  I would like it to, but who can say for sure? And maybe I am a little uncertain?  Many things in life are not certain at all.  As much as I would like to control it, I know that I can’t.  And that has been one of the harder lessons I have had to learn, even to this day.

Mammoth Mountain

Majestic. Epic. Monumental. Inspiring.

To celebrate my last week as a full time worker and my last weekend before school starts, my Dad and I, drove through Yosemite to Mammoth Mountain.  It was a weekend of introspection, fun, and opportunities.  I always love taking trips following or prior to big events in my life.   The trips themselves become little bookends in my life, opening and closing chapters.

Here are some pics….

The family

Emo Dad

Minarette Falls

The Minarettes

I have no idea how my camera picked up this much blue

Little baby Half Dome!

 

 

Coming up next….

Wow, it has been a busy two weeks.  My work has hired a replacement and I have been training them thoroughly.  I enjoy training people, but it is still hard work what with all the talking and explaining things that would normally take a few minutes to just do on my own.  But my replacement is really nice and I think we will get along great.  I will be scaling down to part time and my job is going to keep my salary the same as it was when I was full time which I also really appreciate.  I am glad to be moving on as these last two weeks

Went running to the ocean this past weekend and saw this.   I was so enthralled I just sat on bench and watched it for longer than I usually hang out before jogging back home.

How cool is this kite? Its like the Chinese New Year of Kites

I am grateful for alot of things today.  Things such as sleep, health insurance, good health, and opportunity.  I have been researching health insurance premiums lately as I start to support myself soon and have finally realized how much a good plan costs.  I think all those years of having a job has shielded me from having any idea of how much it really costs.  I cannot even imagine working a minimum wage job and paying for it out of my own pocket.  I probably would not pay for it actually….

Anyways, I have busy weekend up at Mammoth lake with family and when I get back I will be starting school on Wednesday. First up this semester is anatomy.

 

 

Nostalgia

This weekend I went home to take care of Abuelita.  It was pretty nice having my whole parents house to myself.  My parents are in Australia for my cousin’s wedding and I am in charge of Abuelita (Grandma) for the weekend.  It was like old times, back when I was living at home, waiting to transfer to Davis and I had my weekends off to do nothing but wile the time away doing what I want: read, go running, TV, shop and surf the web, and did I mention, more reading?.  If being a homebody were an educational career choice I would, by this point, probably be the Dean of Couch Potato University.  It is a bit too easy for me to stay home.  In my defense though I did go running in the morning ( 2 whole miles; and later cooked Abuelita a pasta primavera dinner from scratch).

I am having fun with her so far.  Abuelita is a bit uptight sometimes, being raised in the isolated mountains of Peru, so when I drive her around I like to loosen her up by singing along with whatever song is on the radio which at that particular moment below, happened to be Hall & Oates classic 80s hit, “Out of Touch.”

Note the look of surprise and delight at my stellar vocalizations

This is her laughing at me again.  I honestly cannot catch a break around here!

Abuelita has never seen anyone dancing like this before in her life!